In episode 6 of Deathwalker’s Guide to Life, we explore how our fear of death is the root of many, many problems in our world. I know this from personal experience. For many years I found it impossible to talk openly and honestly about death. I repressed my fears and this impacted on my ability to support those I loved. More recently, after being widowed but being fortunate enough to find love again, my fear of death has resulted in anxiety and panic attacks. It’s a dysfunctional way to live so I’ve focused on understanding and expressing my emotions, but the reality is that I am still a work in progress.

Does our inability to reckon with the fact we are, perhaps, ‘mere mortals’, have disastrous consequences for humanity? This is a question I’m keen to explore in this episode. I grew up with parents who reminded me often that we were ‘mere’ mortals. By definition a mere mortal is one who is not god, but since my dad was an atheist, perhaps he had a different understanding. Given he was also an environmentalist, being a 'mere mortal' seemed to inspire him to be a better custodian of our land.

By the way, during my research into the meaning of mere mortal, I came across a book titled ‘No Mere Mortals: Marriage for People Who Will Live Forever’.

Yet while some believe they will live forever and act accordingly, there are plenty more who live like there’s no tomorrow and perhaps their materialism develops into toxic consumerism.

In this show, I speak with Rachel Menzies, who with her father Ross Menzies has written several books about what our fear of death drives us to do. While the Menzies acknowledge that some of the consequences have been glorious, they examine numerous other consequences that have been destructive, leading to global conflicts and genocide.

They hypothesise that our unconscious dread of death has led to rampant consumerism and overpopulation, driving the global warming and pandemic crises that now threaten our very existence. In a terrible irony, homo sapiens may ultimately be destroyed by our knowledge of our own mortality.

There are a number reasons this book interests me.

In 2018, I wrote a personal essay called ‘Scared to Death’, which was published in an anthology edited by Naomi Arnold, Headlands: New Stories of Anxiety (VUP 2018).

My essay opens with a scene that demonstrates my almost pathological fear that my beloved husband David will die. I wrote the essay around the time he led some of our Australian friends on a challenging five-day tramp, from Klondyke Corner near Arthurs Pass to Hokitika, which involves crossing three mountain passes: Harman, Whitehorn and Browning.

Three days later, back at home, just before bed, I learned there was a heavy rain warning in the area they were tramping. I read that during heavy rain, steep crevasses form on Whitehorn Pass, a glacier. Later that night, I woke at 3am and lay awake worrying. Then I had a massive panic attack, imagining David had fallen into a crevasse. I called the experience an 'awake-mare' – it was just as vivid as your most horrible nightmare and I was just as incapable of using rational thought to extract myself from it. Unfortunately, before I got better – and my anxiety lessened – it got worse. My fear that he would die manifested as acute anxiety.

Occasional bouts of anxiety are normal. Technically, they become an anxiety disorder when they do not go away. In my experience, anxiety feeds on anxiety. Without any effort on my part, it can soon become a bloated creature, a bit like a goldfish with dropsy that’s been turfed into the toilet but won’t flush away and is left bobbing amongst the detritus, its wee mouth appearing to gasp for breath.

By the way, ‘Scared to Death’ is currently being adapted for the screen by producer David Jacobs and Mia Maramara and the working title for the film adaptation is ‘Goldfish’.

HEADLANDS is a short film anthology illuminating anxiety. The series will appeal to broad audiences by reflecting the experiences of those among us who have lived with anxiety. We are all either one of those people or close to one. The films connect to viewers with insight, compassion, relatability, hope, depth and humour.

Like Modern Love, each story engages you through a personal journey inspired by an essay. Nine contributing writers to Naomi Arnold’s ground-breaking Headlands: New Stories of Anxiety have partnered with nine proven emerging directors. The result is like a concept album. The stories stand alone, averaging 12 minutes in duration. Together they weave threads of a collective fabric, honouring the unease in our lives.

The project has been three years in development. In 2019 there was a Boosted crowdfunding campaign for the series development. The proceeds from that campaign got combined with support from The Body Shop, Creative New Zealand, the Health Promotion Agency (HPA), University of Auckland and NZ On Air to help get us to this point.

There are now nine finished scripts and production teams - including 'Goldfish', which will be directed by Mia Maramara (pictured on far left above) - raring to go in 2022. We have platform support from RNZ and Attitude Live. And we have a production funding application in front of NZ On Air.

Mortals: How the Fear of Death Shaped Human Society is an encyclopaedic look at the fear of death and how it manifests.

There are chapters on how we bargain with it, by subscribing to religious beliefs or by investing in ‘immortality projects’ and other creative works.

There are chapters on how love may in fact be the root of all fear of death and, specifically, how attachment theory plays a role.

There are chapters that examine the consequences of death denial when we are diagnosed with a life limiting illness, how our refusal to let go can be caustic.

And there is, of course, a detailed chapter looking at death dread and mental illness.

Finally, the book provides several antidotes: there is a chapter on the ‘Death Positive’ movement, of which this show is part, and the role of stoicism and neutral acceptance.

My life could be a case study in almost every chapter.